Weight of Memories
by KatFay
Summary: [oneshot] Death can be a strong motivation Albus remembers.


**Disclaimer: I own Shailyn, Headmistress Tennyson, the old bookstore lady, a computer, and a plot. Yeah, not Harry Potter, not Severus, not Dumbledore…which is such a pity because I have so many ideas!**

**Oh, the title of the story is stolen from the one of the songs I was listening to while writing this. The first song (the one whose title I stole) is The Weight of My World and the second song is Come to Me and they are both from my church's Easter cantata.**

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Weight of Memories

"Severus, it has been determined. If Draco intends to carry out his task, then you must be prepared for his failure."

"I will not kill you!"

"Severus, there are some things worse than death. I have lived a full life. I am ready to face that bridge. Our worries may be for naught. Draco may not attempt an attack on my life. But in case it occurs, Severus," Dumbledore leaned forward in his seat, his blue eyes for once not twinkling, "then you must be prepared to keep your oath."

"If I kill you, I cannot return to the Order of Phoenix. They won't trust me, and you, the only person who could convince them that you wanted this, will be dead. So what do you intend to win with this ploy old man? It must be something for you to willingly agree to this." Dumbledore sighed, leaning back in his seat, closing his eyes. He could feel the pounding behind his eyes, the sign of an oncoming migraine. He did not want to argue with Severus. The man was far too persuasive for his own good.

"Is it not enough for you that I am weary, Severus? I have played my part, and now it is young Harry's turn. I will not leave him without guidance. I will write a letter." Severus scoffed.

"A letter?" He said skeptically, "Like that will solve anything. Even if the complex thinking that you must be doing, because even I can't follow you, managed to penetrate his brain, and that's doubtful, what makes you think he will welcome me with open arms? This is Potter we're talking about. The immature, attention-craving, Gryffindor brat who wrecked your office in a temper tantrum befitting a five year old."

"I actually find him quite similar to myself at that age. It seems to be a crime of the old to become what they detested in youth. But that is not the point. No, I expect that young Harry will not see you again until you are on different sides of the field. It is there that one of you will make a choice Severus. But that is neither here nor now. I am old Severus. I will not last much longer. I would prefer that if I had to die, I was at least dying for a good cause, and that my death would not be meaningless. I have found that death can be a strong motivation." _Shailyn._ Albus smiled a weary smile.

"I see you have made up your mind, Albus. I have a potion to brew. Excuse me." Severus stood up and turned away. Albus was certain he heard Severus mutter "Stubborn old fool" as the man billowed away. Albus sighed. Maybe Severus was right, and that this would all end up badly. But he had no way of knowing, and he would much rather die now than later. He was one hundred and fifty years old, and he had already watched his loved ones die. He could sympathize with Harry, but Harry would not sympathize with him without feeling guilty, and that was not what Harry needed. So he kept himself aloof, ignoring what his heart had told him. It turned out that that had been a mistake. This would probably be one too. But he did know one thing, this wasn't his battle.

_But you know the cost of this battle to Harry. And you pity him because you know the price and you won't be there to help him. You know this is the only way._ Albus recognized that reasoning from the part of him that immortalized **her**.

"Harry is not ready to defeat Voldemort. But by the time that he is ready, he will have lost everything. Is that really the only way to prepare them for battle? To destroy everything they ever treasured?" Albus asked himself, remembering when he had asked that before….

"_How am I supposed to defeat him? I'm a child, he's a full-grown wizard! He's always one step ahead of me, killing the ones I love before I even know they're in danger. Where's the protection in Hogwarts now?" the auburn haired teen yelled, as he paced in the Headmistress's office._

"_What about you? You're supposed to be powerful! Why don't you kill him? Why am I so important? Why are you continuing to lie to me?" he shouted, placing his hands on the desk so he could look directly into Headmistress Tennyson's brown eyes._

"_I am not lying to you Albus." She said calmly, "And you would realize this if you would look at things rationally."_

"_I'm tired of looking at things rationally! I'm sick and tired of my friends dying while you sit and watch as if this was something that happened everyday. Don't you have a heart?" Albus ignored the flinch of the headmistress as he continued to rant and rave. Finally he stopped, and looked at her dead center, his blue eyes gone from furious to dead serious._

"_I'm leaving."  
_

"_Albus, you cannot be serious. You still have two years of learning to…"_

"_I'm leaving. I give up on magic. Let Grindelwald do whatever he wants." Albus stormed out of the room._

"_Even as a Muggle you won't be safe Albus! Grindelwald has allies among the Muggles. There is no sanctuary for you." Headmistress Tennyson shouted after him…_

Albus shook his head. If only he had listened. But he had had no idea, like the rest of the world, that Wizarding wars could affect the surrounding Muggles. He had no idea that he would be so drawn up into Muggle affairs that he would find it in himself to walk back into the nightmare he thought he had escaped that night. But, if he hadn't left, he would never have met the love of his life…

_Albus stumbled into the nearest building, trying his hardest not to regret abandoning magic. He was wet and cold and the rain didn't look like it was going to stop anytime soon. He heard the friendly bell jingle as the door closed behind him. He shook his head sending water droplets flying._

"_Hey! You're getting me wet." Albus looked up. Standing in front of him was a glaring female teenager._

"_Umm, sorry. I didn't mean to get you wet." He hesitated. The girl broke into a smile._

"_It's okay, I'm getting used to it. So what do you need?"_

"_Need?" He asked confused. He wondered what he had stumbled into before the girl sighed and answered._

"_A book? This is a bookstore you know? Or did you just wander in to escape the wet outside." She asked giving a smug smile as if positive that the second was the reason he was actually here._

"_I did wander in because of the weather, but, a bookstore you say?" She nodded, "Do you mind if I look around?" The girl shook her head._

"_Not at all, look all you want, the rain isn't going to let up anytime soon. You're better off in here. If you need anything call me. My name is Shailyn." Shailyn turned and carefully navigated her way through the bookshelves to the checkout desk. Albus nodded quickly before losing himself in the contents of the bookstore…_

Albus gave a small chuckle, remembering how he had wandered back into that bookstore day after day. It had taken his younger self an incredibly long time to figure out what kept luring him back into that store. It was a Muggle bookstore, with no information that could have helped him as a wizard. And he had found it very hard to keep up a Muggle life, instead choosing to devote himself to the study of magic that could be accomplished without the wand he had left at Hogwarts. He would spend his afternoons reading Wizarding magic theory texts inside the covers of chemistry, physics, and biology textbooks. In the evening, Shailyn would curl up on a nearby chair with a cup of tea and talk to him. From her, he learned all about her heritage and what was happening in the Muggle world. It was her that had given him his love for Muggle sweets. But eventually, he discovered what really kept bringing him back to the bookstore that even today he still visited…

"_And that is why Darwin's theory of evolution made everyone upset. It challenged all they knew to be truth, a bit like when Columbus told everyone the world was round rather than flat." Shailyn concluded with a sip of tea. Albus shook his head._

"_I still don't get you Mu…" Albus stopped in mid-sentence._

"_You what?" Shailyn's voice took a sudden cold turn._

"_What if I told you magic was real?" Albus asked._

"_I'd say you're crazy and you're changing the subject."_

"_No I'm not. What if there was magic and some people could do it and some people couldn't. And they had a name for people who couldn't. What's wrong with that? It's only a way to tell them apart. What if I could prove magic could happen." Shailyn stood up and Albus had the sinking feeling he had lost her. All because of the slip of his tongue. How could he be so stupid?_

"_You can't prove magic is real, not to me, not even if it was true. I'm blind Albus. Now leave." Shailyn hissed, before turning to walk away. Albus stared in shock. She was blind? How had he never noticed? _Because she was trying to hide it from you. So you wouldn't think that she was helpless._ Albus stood up just in time to catch Shailyn as she tripped over a stack of books._

"_Shailyn, I didn't mean it like that, really. Shailyn, listen to me."_

"_No. Why don't you just leave Albus?"_

"_I can't." Albus said, suddenly realizing as he said it that it was true. He couldn't leave here. That was why he kept coming back here. Because he loved her, blind or not. "I love you." Shailyn was quiet._

"_I love you too." She finally said hesitantly…_

Albus' life had changed from that moment on. He spent most of his time with Shailyn, finally successfully proving to her that magic was real, even if she couldn't see it. To prove his point, Albus had discovered how to use wandless magic. But, magic wasn't the only thing that they did together. The two also spent plenty of time together falling deeper and deeper in love. Albus was a very smart man, he knew that Shailyn was the one, and he wasn't about to lose her. His decision to propose to her had been marked by the arrival of a letter from Headmistress Tennyson. She had told him that she was retiring, and that a man named Armando Dippet was taking her post. She had also included an address where she could be reached…

_Albus watched as Shailyn spun around in circles on the grassy field, her pale green dress floating around her. They were both slightly giddy from a little too much wine, but Albus needed that giddiness if he was going to bring up the courage to say what he needed to say. He fingered the small black box in his pocket._

"_Shailyn, I have something to ask you?" He said, standing up to grab her arms and face her towards him. Shailyn smiled, tilting her head._

"_Of course, what is it, Albus?" She said. Albus looked down for a moment, before pulling out the box._

"_Shailyn Lenna Viviane Lorrayne, will you…" Albus looked up at Shailyn. Her finger was on his lips, silencing him. She was shaking._

"_Shailyn?" He asked, worried that something was going on._

"_Albus, I need to tell you something. I love you and I will always love you. I need you to know that. No matter what happens, you have to know I love you. You know that right, Albus?"_

"_Shailyn, of course I know that and I love you too. Shailyn what is the matter?"_

"_You have to believe me Albus, I love you and I always will. You have to remember that so you won't do anything stupid. You have to."_

"_SHAILYN!" They both turned to face the shout coming from the owner of the bookstore. Shailyn turned to face him and bit her lip. She pressed a kiss to his lips as she hugged him._

"_You have to know that." She said before turning to leave. He didn't get a chance to call her back…_

Albus had never known if Shailyn had possessed the letter before or after that date. But he knew that even if she had possessed the letter, it was impossible for her to have known the consequences of her actions on him. He had frequently wondered if Shailyn had some sort of gift to make up for her blindness. He had never found out, and as he had aged, he realized it didn't matter if she had known what would happen or if she was just preparing for what ifs…

"_Shailyn?" Albus asked, stepping into the dark bookstore. He had never known it to be this eerily quiet._

"_She's not here. You must be Albus Dumbledore." Albus whirled around to see the bookstore owner, a feeble old woman leaning heavily on a cane._

"_Where is she?" He asked desperately. The old woman gave him a sad smile._

"_She went home, to Germany. She got a letter saying that her parents had been taken. She went to find them. She won't be coming back. A blind girl like her in that place, no, she won't be coming back from there."_

"_What do you mean?" Albus said, his head reeling, what was going on? The old woman hobbled closer to him, peering up at him with clouded green eyes._

"_You do know what's going on in Germany young man, don't you?" As soon as she said it, Albus knew what had happened. When Shailyn had traversed through the city, he had read the papers, and heard Shailyn's distress. But he had never thought that._

"_She went to one of those concentration camps to find her parents?" Albus practically shouted, the shock flooding his system. The old woman only had to smile that crooked bittersweet smile for Albus to know the truth. He raced out into the torrent of weather outside, his whole self numb._

_When he regained knowledge of his whereabouts, he was sitting in a chair, drinking a mug of apple cider in front of a fire place. He looked up to see Headmistress Tennyson staring at him over her own mug. The years had not been kind to her, he noticed, taking in her white hair and arthritis ridden hands._

"_So you came, Albus, I suspected as much." Tennyson said, her brown eyes looking sad when she should have been triumphant._

"_She left, she ran into the concentration camps, I have to save her!" Albus said, finally remembering why he had come here in a daze. Tennyson shook her head._

"_You've been out of the Wizarding world too long Albus. Grindelwald is behind Hitler's rise to power. I wouldn't be surprised if he even gave the man the idea of this superior Aryan race he talks about. In any case, those concentration camps are only a source of power to Grindelwald. You'd only be walking into a trap going after that girl."_

"_I have to save her! I.."_

"_I have no doubts that you loved her. I am only saying that even if you left now, you would never be able to rescue her. She is already dead Albus. You may not know what goes on in those camps, but I do, and the blind are of no use to them, so they are killed. She was dead the moment she walked through those gates. If you truly want to avenge her, you will go to Hogwarts. Ask Headmaster Dippet for a job, continue to train in the relative safety of Hogwarts, and when you are ready for Grindelwald you will destroy him. You are not ready now Albus."_

Albus had followed her words to the letter. He had asked the Headmaster for the job as Transfiguration teacher and had gained it. He finally avenged Shailyn in 1945. Eventually, he had become Headmaster. And then Tom had arrived. Tom had risen up again, striking terror in a manner so similar to Grindelwald you could have wondered if they had not been taught together. Albus sighed as he noted how the idea of destroying Muggles was such a common theme amongst Dark Lords. And as he wondered this, he wondered how things would have turned out if he had given Tom the post. Would it have only made things worse, allowing Tom access to the Chamber of Secrets again, or would things have turned out better if Tom was given a job where he was respected, without any chance of him gaining as much power as he did now.

Albus popped another lemon sherbet into his mouth. If he was going to ponder Tom, then he must be prepared to ponder Lily and James, the two innocents he had so desperately tried to protect with his idea about the Fidelius Charm. He had offered to be their secret keeper, knowing that Tom's rise to power had caused some doubts among the former Marauders. He had only offered an easy solution, but things had not worked out the way he had hoped. It hadn't even been a week before Albus received news that they were dead and that Tom had been vanquished. And there began the string of mistakes that resulted in the mess before him.

"There's no point in wallowing is there?" He asked when Fawkes flew over to nuzzle him. Fawkes nodded. Albus smiled. There were so many things he should have done, could have done, but hadn't in hopes of preventing Harry from becoming the next him. And in fact, his choices had only seemed to make Harry the next savior even quicker, and not in the least bit prepared for it.

"This is going to be a long letter, isn't it Fawkes?"

_Fin._

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**A/N: Wow, this is amazing, two stories in two days. I've never been more productive. Ha-ha! Okay, so I would like to thank my amazing (and amusing) muse & beta, Helen! She has been a wonderful help, both encouraging me to write down this fic and than proofreading it and helping me come up with a title. **

**Second, I used the HP Lexicon to kinda get all my ideas sorted along the timeline of Albus as written by J.K. Rowling. While for the most part I tried to follow it along as best I could, I will note that I took liberties with Albus' schooling. Albus actually did complete his schooling and took the NEWTS…unlike mine who sorta dropped out at the end of his fifth year. It was also from there that I found the connection that some people had made between Grindelwald and Hitler that I used in this story. So that's not my idea…I'm just stealing it.**

**Thirdly, just because I can, I'm explaining the meaning behind Shailyn's name(s). Because J.K. Rowling put meaning behind her names, why can't I? Okay, Shailyn means blind, which is pretty self-explanatory since the character is blind. Lenna means passionate, because Shailyn is very passionate about life and living it the way she wants to and not letting herself be limited by her blindness. It also sheds more light on her determination both to make sure Albus knew she cared and to try and rescue her parents even though she knew that there wasn't any chance she'd succeed. Viviane means alive (or something like that) which is how even though she's dead, she still lives in the memories of Albus. And Lorrayne is a) a tribute to myself (my middle name is Lorraine) and b) means full of sorrow. Shailyn is full of sorrow because she's blind, her parents are probably dead, she's hurting the man she loves because she wants to rescue them, and because Albus knew her he would be forever unhappy because he just lost the one he loves.**

**Okay, so all that was amazingly unnecessary, but I felt good about writing it so there!**


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